An Open Letter To The Traitor Jerry Seinfeld

"Ken Kupchik" (kenkupchik) 01/29/2014 at 18:38 • Filed to: None

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7 days ago you made some disparaging remarks about the McLaren P1 to Travis Okulski. I believe you called it "ugly" and said some other things that I can't even repeat because I find them to be so inappropriate. It took me a week before my anger subsided enough to be able to write this; a miserable week when I've found myself unable to eat, sleep or properly bathe as I'm consumed by innumerable bouts of rage.

So I say this to you Jerry Seinfeld, from the very pit of my existence. HOW DARE YOU!? HOW. DARE. YOU?

You're nothing but a lout, Jerry. I looked that word up just so that I could use it to insult you.

Let's take a step back, shall we? Way back, to 1940, 74 years ago. Would you still prefer the Porsche, made in Stuttgard, GERMANY over a McLaren, out of Surrey, UK?

I am Jewish too Jerry, in case you even remember what that means. Sure, I've owned a Volkswagen, better known to you as "the people's car." But unlike you, Jerry, I drove it with distrust. I drove it with one hand on the door handle, ready to bail out and do a barrel-roll into the woods before taking off, full sprint into the forest's vast unknown. I never locked the doors in my German car Jerry. But you, you'd sleep like a baby in your German car, wouldn't you?

The McLaren P1 is ugly? How did you not get struck by a lightning bolt the very instant that came out of your mouth?

Oh, but you "loved the LaMusolliniFerrari."

Here's what you don't seem to understand; you are the McLaren P1, Jerry Seinfeld. The McLaren P1 is the pinnacle of automotive engineering that will be the benchmark for competitors for years to come.

The McLaren P1 Jerry Seinfeld is the pinnacle of automotive engineering comedy that will be the benchmark for competitors for years to come.

You are the McLaren P1. If you get down on your knees in front of a mirror right now and let out a very low pitched growl, I think you'll see the resemblance.

I'm never watching Seinfeld again, I'm just going to watch that video of the McLaren P1 lapping the Nurburgring in under 7 minutes. The video isn't very long so I'll have to watch it like 5 times to make up for the half hour. You'll probably be watching another different Nuremburg video if you know what I mean... Why don't you just change Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee to Collaborators In Cars Getting Coffee?

When you turn your back on the McLaren P1, you're turning your back on yourself, and worse, on your people. What did you do after you called the McLaren ugly, go spit on Winston Churchill's grave? You should be ashamed of yourself.

I hope when you're going to sleep tonight, your wife gently rubs your back and says "You know what honey, thank you for being our McLaren P1."

It's not too late to make things right Jerry. It's never too late to right your wrongs and apologize. What I'm really saying here Jerry, is can I please just have one of your cars?

Dusty Ventures > Ken Kupchik 01/29/2014 at 22:37

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Porsche 918 > McLaren P1

Ken Kupchik > Dusty Ventures 01/29/2014 at 22:38

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Jerry?...

Dusty Ventures > Ken Kupchik 01/29/2014 at 22:53

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Kinja ate my gif

ihm96 > Ken Kupchik 01/30/2014 at 01:33

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The P1 and LaFerrari are both ugly. The 918 however...

The-Ever-Socially-Apathetic TBAL > Ken Kupchik 12/10/2015 at 14:09

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I’m so angry that you don’t like something I like!!!